Keep in mind, this is MY top 10 Horror Movie List. You will not find “The Exorcist” on here, that movie bored the fuck out of me. There will be some terrible films listed, but all have a special place in my heart for reasons I will explain. We will start out with an ‘Honorable Mention’ .. a fantastic piece of cinematic shit that barely missed the cut. Enjoy.
Honorable Mention: Witchcraft 3: Kiss of Death
Witchcraft 3 is fucking terrible. I probably beat my dick a good 500 times to this film, though. When you are a pre-teen in the late 80’s, it’s not easy to get your hands on a flick full of bewbs and boning. For whatever reason, the video clerks would let me rent this. I don’t think they understood what “unrated” meant. Victory for me. God bless the VHS days. Now we begin the countdown.
10. Session 9
Session 9 had a shitty tagline. “Fear is a place”. Makes sense. The ‘place’ wasn’t scary, it was the CHAIR.
The film stars Josh Lucas (before he was famous) and David Caruso (after he was famous) and revolves around a restoration crew that is hired to clean up an old mental hospital of asbestos so it can be converted into a hotel. The movie has a creepy tone to it and is well directed. Watch it at night with the lights out. It’s not a great movie, but it will leave you with an eerie feeling, which means the flick does its job.
ThanksKilling is by definition, categorized as a “Horror/Comedy/Thriller”. It isn’t scary, nor thrilling. It is, however, one of the intentionally cheesiest horror movies I’ve ever seen. From start to finish, this movie makes fun of itself. It is basically made up from a stereotypical no-name cast. You have the jock, the nerd, the fat kid, the whore and the smart girl. The movie starts out with over-the-hill pornstar, Wanda Lust, scampering topless through the woods with her gross boobs flopping around. She is then hacked up by a killer talking turkey, who appropriately says, “Nice tits, bitch” after killing her. It’s a must see for fans of cult classics.
8. A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
This was my favorite in the Elm Street series. Disabled kids who have special powers when they dream, epic. In most all the Elm Street films, nobody fights back until the hero has had enough shit in the end, and these are just normal kids. In Dream Warriors, they all fight .. but still die.The movie has fun killshots, and unlike most horror films, 3 survive instead of just one clichéd female. The movie stars Patricia Arquette, Robert Englund and Heather Langenkamp.
7. My Little Eye
My Little Eye was a pioneer in the reality show, horror genre. The movie stars Kris Lemche, Laura Regan, Jennifer Sky and Bradley Cooper (before he was famous). The plot was centered around a group of people selected to go to a house in the woods to be filmed for money and be broadcast on the internet. What they didn’t know, was that millionaires were betting on who would survive on an underground snuff betting site. It is directed well, utilizing webcam and standard cam shooting. It’s a must see.
6. The Lost Boys
Not much needs to be said about this film. It is the most mainstream of the bunch. It was the first R-rated movie I ever saw in a theater, and it scared the shit out of me. The movie was promoted as a Corey Haim/Corey Feldman film due to their popularity with 14 year old girls, but it was Kiefer Sutherland and Jason Patric that pull off the good performances. The movie also has a dope fucking soundtrack.
Rogue is a rad flick. It’s more believable in the non-believable genre of horror. It stars Michael Vartan, Radha Mitchell and a pre-mullet Sam Worthington. Outside of the three main stars, what’s unique about this film is that you don’t have a handful of beautiful CW stars running around with their cleavage hanging out and their dicks in their hands. The rest of the cast is made up of very ordinary people. People you would expect to see at Wal-mart or in a corner booth stroking their shit in a Adult Shop. Also, breaking the horror mold, more people live than die, which makes it a more fun, believable ride. There is also a big fucking man eating rogue alligator. Boom, Smack, Pow.
I honestly don’t give a shit that this was one of Jennifer Anistons’ first films. This site is called midgetspar for a reason, and one of those reasons .. is I love me some Warwick Davis. Willow was and still is one of my favorite films. When I was in highschool, I made 7 of my friends go to the movies with me to see this. When it was finished, I had to wash my underwear .. and they all didn’t talk to me for a month. I ran around in green pajamas screaming “Where’s Me Gold!” I love this movie. I’m that fucking retarded.
3. The Evil Dead 2
If you don’t love this cinematic masterpiece, you can’t call yourself a fan of horror. This movie is funny, scary, and fucking gross. It’s perfect. It’s fucking perfect. If this movie was a dick, I’d suck it. My friends parents use to rent a video camera when we were in middle school to record our sporting events. We’d spend all week writing an extremely shitty screenplay, so we could use the camera on the weekends to shoot our “Evil Dead 2” type movie. We would slap a troll mask on our fat friend and make him climb through windows before we stabbed him in the armpit (because that’s the only way we could figure out how to make a knife look like it was going through someone). Yep, death by armpit. The movie stars legendary Bruce Campbell. It’s fucking perfect.
Splinter should be on all of your lists. It stars Shea Whigham, Jill Wagner and Paulo Costanzo (token Jew). Two newlywed campers get carjacked by an escaped convict and his druggy girlfriend and become held up in a gas station in a woodsy town. A biological “splinter” creature then tries to have them for supper. The direction is great, the action is dramatic and the acting is superb. Well casted, well written and well directed. Rent or purchase Splinter and thank me later. I watch it once a month, and I don’t even masturbate to it.
1. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
Here it is, number one. I have made all my friends watch this movie, and they have all loved it and borrowed it so they could let their friends watch it. This doesn’t bode well for the films rental and purchase history, but it’s being seen all the same. In a world where the likes of Freddy, Jason, Chucky and Michael Myers really do exist, a new killer is ready to take the stage. Leslie Vernon allows an independent college documentary film crew to follow along as he teaches them how he plans to set up and slay his victims. This movie is part documentary, part full blown slasher movie. It is original, funny, scary, clever and fantastic. It stars Robert Englund, Nathan Baesel, Angela Goethals and Zelda Rubinstein (the short stumpy bitch from Poltergeist). Watch this movie or I’ll kill you in your dreams.