The Academy Awards (Oscars) In A Nutshell

Angelina Jolie’s leg somehow stole the show.

It wasn’t so much her leg .. but how blatantly she was whoring it out there. It was like a pornstar whipping a cock out of some dudes pants so the director wouldn’t blacken her eye.

Not only did she do it on the red carpet, but when she came out to present some awards .. it was almost comical how obvious she was trying to mimic a Kardashian.

It made for a great moment a few minutes later, though, when Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash took the stage for winning “Best Adapted Screenplay” for “The Descendants” and immediately mocked the shit out her while she stood five feet away.

Billy Crystal hosted, and though he took a shit load of dump on social media networks, he did fine.

He’s old school, which people find boring. If he would have said, “cock”, “pussy”, “anal”, “fisting”, “Titty fuck”, and “Diddy” he would have been touted as the single best host in Oscar night history.

But he sang, he danced, he told some jokes, people went home.

He is getting a lot of shit for having “Black Face” for his Sammy Davis Jr. impersonation … which makes no sense because he’s been doing that sketch for about 3 decades now.

Hugo won a lot of awards in categories nobody gives a shit about.

The movies Cinematographer, Robert Richardson, won but he was apparently not in attendance as Gandolf the Grey and Sam Elliots love child accepted it on his behalf.

Octavia Spencer won best supporting actress for her role in “The Help”.

She received a minute long standing ovation because she’s black, which I always find odd.

Christopher Plummer won best supporting actor for his work in “Beginnings”.

I’ve never seen it but I think he just lays in a bed with tubes shoved up his nose for 90 minutes.

During his speech he implied he’s been waiting to have sex with the trophy since he was 2.

This prompted everyone in attendance to once again give Octavia Spencer a standing ovation because she’s black.

Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz provided me with the “I want to go Chris Brown on both of you” moment of the night.

They acted like little prissy bitches in true Diva fashion.

Fuck both of those hookers. Take the make-up of either one and they look like that fat black girl from “Precious”.

Emma Stone turned what should have been the worst “bit” of the night into probably the most memorable “presenters” moment.

Her cute and quirky shined as she went “all in” and pulled off the impossible feat of making Ben Stiller mildly entertaining. (Since Zoolander, anyways)

Michel Harlasgurgleberginstein (or whatever) won the award for best director for his work on “The Artist”.

Well deserved.

“Okay, now … when I say “ACTION!” .. run around .. and don’t say shit.”

Fuck “The Artist”.

Meryl Streep won best actress for her work in “The Iron Lady”. She got up on stage and in a humble way said, “Fuck you, I’m Meryl Streep.”

Jean Dujardin. God Damn. This fuckin’ guy. He won for not saying a single fucking word. He ran around the movie like an over the top SNL actor. Jim Carey would have been able to even get nominated in that role.

Every time the camera was on him .. he gave his smug ass “anal rape” face.

When he won, I was hoping he’d just get on stage .. and not say shit for 2 minutes. Just fucking stand there … silently.

And of course the silent film, “The Artist”, took home the biggest award of the night.

The movie that had people suing and asking for their money back because … you can hear the person next to you breathing for 90 minutes when you’re sitting in the theater.

Fuck “The Artist”.

The best moments of the night, were Will Ferrell and Zack (the guy from the Hangover) inakis coming out in white suits and banging cymbals in Brad Pitts face in the front row ..

And Sasha Baron Cohen in full character as “The Dictator” dumping Kim Jong Ill’s ashes all over Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet.

Seacrest looked visibly upset. It made me happy.

That is the Oscars in a ball sack.

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