Goth: A Midgetspar Movie Review


If I don’t hear the word “goth” uttered ever again, I’ll die a happy man.

I may need to rethink this “Free YouTube Movie” shit I’ve started. Goth was probably the best and worst of the bunch so far.

It had decent acting, decent editing, and the worst plot perhaps ever.

Chrissy (Laura Reilly) and Boone (Dave Stann) are a nice young goth couple who seem, aside from their habit of dressing like the Addams’ Family’s hired help, like well-adjusted people. Perhaps the worst you can accuse them of is truly sucktacular taste in music, as that’s what draws them to this particular goth club on this particularly fateful night. (And then I’m forced to sit through two numbers by the band, just to prove that the first one wasn’t uncharacteristically bad.)

Seriously. Two COMPLETE songs. Not one with a fade out or a dimming of the music so a plot can begin to grow … you have to watch the band play TWO songs.

Then Chrissy meets another club patron, a tattoo-bedecked, spooky-eyed girl named Goth (Phoebe Dollar). Chew on that a moment: This girl’s so goth, she named herself Goth. This may be the worst case of cinematic nomenclature since Endgame featured Al Yamanouchi as a ninja named “Ninja.” Plus, it leads to bizarre blackclad versions of the “Who’s On First?” routine: “I’m Goth.” “So are we.” “No — that’s my name. Goth.” Only, let me clarify, this is not meant to be humorous. Humor has no place among these goths, even a goth named Goth.

They meet in a back alley and Goth gives the couple a new drug called “white light” .. then they wake up in her van. (Note: You NEVER find out who’s driving the van. Goth has the back set up as a little emo palace complete with hanging skulls and Christmas lights.)

At one point in the movie, Goth is challenging the couple to be the real meaning of goth, and not “posers” … she then starts killing people, at one point even making Boone have sex with a girl in a brothel at knife point. Of course, there are 3 hookers to choose from, and Boone picks the fat ugly one.

Chrissy’s been kind of going along with it all, for no apparent reason except that she’s a milksop. (Boone has been whinily protesting Goth’s adventures, but it’s pretty clear that he’s the sidekick, and Chrissy’s the protagonist.) But now… ooh, seeing Boone get it on with a hooker right in front of her spurs her to action: She turns her face away. No wonder such a dynamic character is our protagonist. And then, back in the van, she gives Boone the cold shoulder. Because, you know, it’s his fault that a crazed goth (named Goth) forced him to screw a hooker at knifepoint. And as her revenge, Chrissy has a lesbian episode with Goth.

All through, we’ve been seeing little flashbacks to a pre-goth Chrissy, hanging out with her sister Sara (Ashley Waite). It seems that Sara was murdered outside a goth club a couple of years ago, and Chrissy’s been searching for the killer ever since. Her one clue was that, right before she died, Sara whispered the word “goth” — and just tonight, Chrissy had a brainstorm: Sara didn’t mean the killer was a goth, she’s the goth named Goth!

This came from nowhere. I feel like I just got mind raped. Was this the sequel to The Sixth Sense? HOLY SHIT!

The rest of the movie sucks just as bad as the beginning and middle of the movie.

On a scale of 1 to 10, Goth gets 3.25 midgets. (That’s 3 hole midgets and some feet).

Our main character throughout, is waiting for her moment to exact revenge for her sisters death. She is gaining Goth’s trust so she can try to stab her or something. She probably had about 74 opportunities that I counted to kill the bitch, namely, when they were licking each other’s pussies.

In the end, it comes across as the wanna-be-vampire version of The Hitcher, with the psycho trying to teach the unwilling acolyte some incomprehensible lesson about the futility of it all. But rather than being driven by the psycho’s devious intelligence and relentlessness, Goth‘s plot is kept in motion by our mewsome twosome’s inability to stand up for themselves or have a coherent plan.

Here’s the trailer.

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