Guest Blogger (Panda: Blowjobs Are Weird)

Blowjobs are Weird

I remember dreading my first blowjob; not knowing what to expect or how it worked or whether I’d be good at it. I’d never watched porn so I was relying solely on advice from my high school girlfriends.

I remember having this irrational fear that he would piss in my mouth. Like it would happen on accident or something. I remember saying “promise you won’t pee in my mouth” and my boyfriend assuring me that he would never pee in my mouth. After the super-romantic “no pissing” promise was made we got down to business.

His dad was in the living room and his door didn’t have a lock, so we had to be resourceful. He sat against the door and we turned the TV up.

I don’t know if you’ve ever looked a cock in the eye before, but I’m here to tell you, the first time can be a bit intimidating. I spent a good .25 seconds questioning my decision, thinking there was no possible way that was fitting in my mouth and that I was gonna screw this up and forever be known as the Giver of Bad Blowjobs or something. But I went for it.

The first thing I learned was to breathe through my nose. The second thing I learned was that pubic hair tickles like a motherfucker. The third thing I learned is that blowjobs are weird.

Blowjobs are weird for several reasons. Most notably, you’re putting something in your mouth that you don’t plan on eating. Mouths are not accustomed to that. Mouths are accustomed to doing their jobs and taking in food and water and oxygen in order to sustain us so we can survive. When you put something in your mouth that doesn’t belong, your mouth is like “WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?” So that’s weird for you and your mouth. And you have to tell your mouth to chill, that you’re not choking and there’s no need to gag and “EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, JUST TRUST ME.”

Blowjobs are also weird because they usually serve as a precursor to sex and they are as intimate, if not more intimate, than fucking. If I’m putting my mouth on your genitals, I like you. If I am putting your junk on and against and inside my face then I think you’re pretty fucking fantastic. So it’s weird to me that blowjobs are considered this casual alternative to intercourse when it is just as graphic and messy and awesome as sex. Yeah, I said “awesome.” You can think something is weird and also think it’s awesome; like cream cheese on your taco instead of sour scream – weird but awesome.

Anyway, blowjobs are weird. That’s what I kept thinking, after mastering the whole “don’t use your teeth” thing. I thought “this is fucking weird” and “how long is this going to last” and “do all balls smell like pretzels” and “man, I could go for a pretzel right now.” And that was it, the whole thing was over after about four minutes and he treated me like I’d cured cancer afterwards; I was a fucking hero.

The moral of the story is blowjobs are weird and heroes suck dick.


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