The Adventures of Patrick Swayze
The Great White Swayze
As the sun fades and the stars come out to play, another day decides to call it a wrap. Thoughts and daydreams run through the mind like Hamster Jesus asking Carrie Underwood to take the wheel.
The best thing about the night .. is it always brings a new day.
And this is where this short tale begins.
Rise and shine, mother fuckers! It’s a Swayze Day!
Upon crawling out of bed, The Swayze gazes down upon the Swayze sheets to see his beautiful silhouette outlined in sweat.
One would think he had magical dreams of railing two coked up hookers in a motel room to produce such art .. but not him ..
The Swayze dreams of terrible things. Nightmares flood his conscience. Every night some new terror invades the place most hope bring peace and tranquility.
.. and some are rolls he wish he would have won ..
There is only one thing that comforts after a night such as this. Swayze musters the strength to exit his bedroom and find his happy place ..
I’m taking a big fat fuckin’ Swayze dump, mother fuckers!
As Swayze pushes out his happiness, he here’s the bell sound in the living room. It only can mean one thing. The one thing that brings life to The Swayze.
When a challenge is submitted, the button is pushed, and it triggers ..
The Swayze Signal
… and this means … there will be a DANCE OFF … and The Swayze is ready.
The contests are always held at an underground establishment only known to few. Club Dance, located in the heart of Cuba, will soon be lit on fire with the sweet moves of the Swayze.
He quickly mounted his bike but soon realized his powerful Swayze dance legs were far too much for the ride to handle …
… but then he remembered he can’t ride his bike to Cuba, anyway.
Plan B. With Swayze .. there is ALWAYS some Plan B.
Swayze climbed the highest cliff on the coast of Florida and plunged into the deep ocean. After resurfacing, he whistled, and his transportation arrived.
I’m riding a dolphin, mother fuckers!
Halfway across the waters, Swayze’s new dolphin friend took him underwater where he knew of a cage. Swayze spent the next 30 minutes meeting sharks and becoming one with the creatures of the ocean.
Fun time was over.
Swayze knew it was time. It was time to dance.
Swayze took a deep breath and entered the club. Not with swag, Swayze doesn’t believe in swag.
Swayze enters clubs like Swayze.
Who could it be? Who would challenge the dirty dancer himself?
After making some rounds and shaking some hands, he could feel it.
Breath down the back of his neck, like a haunting ghost from dance-off’s past coming back for a final showdown.
It was him. But how?
It was Michael Jackson.
The Dirty Dancer vs. The King of Pop
There was fire and fury! There was gyration and thrust!
“Hungry Eyes” was the song chosen by the club, obviously in The Swayze’s favor!
After losing and irate Jackson immediately began making phone calls!
First to Clint Howard!
Then to Scott Baio!
… until he had his band of misfits all together in his lair, plotting his revenge. They sat around a table as Jackson devised a scheme. A plan to be executed by he, and his ..
Swayze was still celebrating his victory with a little Double Dutch ..
.. and flying this glorious kite he bought with his earnings ..
.. when there it was. Again? So soon? How could it be? Back to Cuba, already?
Swayze returned to the cliff and prepared for his plunge .. who this time? The excitement was flowing through his Swayze veins ..
… and he jumped. It was the most beautiful thing that eyes have never witnessed. A Swayze dive, in all it’s glory, pasty nipples cutting through the air.
Swayze retrieved his gear from an underwater cave and began his swim, still excited for his next dance challenge that lied ahead …
… little did he know, this was all part of Jackson’s evil plan. Little did he know, that the B-Movie Mercenaries were waiting.
There was an epic battle. Blood was pouring from Swayze and he was wearing thin! There were too many of them! He was sure to meet his demise.
Swayze remembered the shark cage.
He began flailing his arms trying to release more blood into the water surrounding him.
And then she came.
Swayze grabbed a hold as tight as he could …
.. and began humping.
Soon, the super human swayze sperm began birthing …
THE GREAT WHITE SWAYZE
First one, then two, then three!
The B-Movie mercenaries were out matched! The Great White Swayze’s began terrorizing them!
The Mercenaries began to flee! Not all made it. Corey Haim was devoured, but got his own shots in before meeting his grizzly demise.
Swayze cradled the deceased Great White Swayze and brought him from the water.
The remaining Great White Swayze’s kept pushing back the enemies remaining. They were retreating, the mercenaries.
The battle had been won. A win … for Swayze. He was ready to return home. He was ready for his bed, and his dreams, and his next morning shit.
He slapped the water, summoning his ride.
“Take me home, my friend. Take me home.”
The best thing about the night, is it always brings a new day.
The Great White Swayze
You can follow Midgetspar on Twitter at @Midgetspar