1. Breaking Eclipses Twilight Dawn Electric Boogaloo 2 – $43.6 million
This movie is about an arm wrestling competition. If the stoic bitch wins, Jacob has to fuck some wolf pussy and stop going after babies. If the guy who can’t act with arm muscles wins, ladies and gay dudes will continue masturbating on queue.
2. Skyfall – $35.5 million
3. Lincoln – $25.6 million
4. Rise of the Guardians – $23.7 million
Darth Vadar returns in this 932nd Star Wars installment where he bangs the Tooth Fairy and it really pisses the Easter Bunny off. This movie isn’t for kids, though the marketing suggests it. Every living creature in this film goes full frontal.
5. Life of Pi – $22.4 million
This movie is about an Indian kid (or something) and a big fat piece of shit tiger that go sailing for 2 hours. I know, I can’t wait to see it, either.
6. Wreck-It Ralph – $16.5 million
The long awaited sequel to Boogie Nights. Ralph has abnormally large hands which obviously means he’s gotta big cock and just beats up cartoon pussy for 90 minutes. I dunno.
7. Red Dawn – $14.2 million
Hey, remember that cult classic with Patrick Swayze (and others)? This is like the same thing but with Thor, the little girl from The Hunger Games, and some Nickelodeon stars. Hang in there for the end, when Wreck-It Ralph crosses over from his movie to this, and destroys some ass with his cartoon cock. I dunno.
8. Flight – $8.4 million
9. Silver Linings Playbook – $4.3 million
10. Argo – $3.8 million
Pretty sure Argo is a film about Ben Affleck’s beard running around Somalia asking kids if they ever watched Good Will Hunting. Then he shaves his beard and glues it on the last dog known to the country to disguise it and help it escape where the beard eventually falls off and the dog gets eaten in the Philippines, anyway.
These reviews may or may not be entirely accurate.