Guest Blogger (Heidi Ferrer: Asking For My Squirrel)

Asking For My Squirrel

By Heidi Ferrer

This is not a pretty story at all, so look away if you’re faint of heart. Also look away if you’re against masturbation, because I agree with the famous quote by Woody Allen that it’s “sex with someone you love” (hopefully).

Plus, it’s heart healthy and you can’t catch any diseases from it, so go fap today and bless your heart. And I mean that in the good way, not the bless your heart Southern for fuck you way.

Yeah, so I’m on Twitter (@GirltoMom) and I guess it was last Spring that I was coming off of a medication that I had been on for about a year.

Long story short, my little boy had a serious health problem, now he’s basically cured, but at the time I got depressed, went to a therapist and ended up going on Lexapro.

Some people who go on these types of meds lose their sex drive completely, luckily that didn’t happen for me, but I decided to go off of it last Spring anyway and experienced crazy withdrawal symptoms. They included weird nightmares, wild mood swings and intense hyper-sexual feelings.

It was like a million gallons of blood flow was pumping directly to my labia and clitoris. We can say pussy here, Right? Cool. My pussy was pumping.

I had only really just discovered the world of Twitter comedy at that time, the people who are not famous celebrities (yet) like @MidgetSpar, but have these super cool avis, lots of followers, and clever, interesting tweets. If not an art form, it’s at least creative, and it fascinated me.

I was unemployed and had a lot of time on my hands, I’m a blogger and a writer so I work from home anyway…so I ended up spending hours in bed some days on my iPhone, trying to ride out these drug withdrawal mood swings that sometimes included crying hysterically for no reason.

Many people on Twitter are funny, so here I was, hyper-sexual and laughing while reading their tweets and getting turned on reading sexy stuff and well, porn re-tweeted into my timeline, and I was intermittently masturbating and crying and hoping I wouldn’t injure myself.

A tweet of my from that time was:

“When I have a lot of sex I want more, but then I may hurt myself. It’s a snatch 22.”

A lot of people were doing the “asking for a friend” joke format then, and it occurred to me that if anybody saw me, they would cart me away to the nuthouse, so I tweeted this:

“How many times can you masturbate and cry before the police come? Asking for my squirrel.”

One of the funniest parts of this strange situation, to me, was that a lot of people starred and re-tweeted that one, which says to me I’m not the only one out there masturbating and crying after. Good to know. The world of Twitter embraces the freaks, which I still find really touching and sweet.

I was pretty bipolar for a while there, it took about 2 and a half or three months before the mood swings and the hyper-sexuality totally evened out to normal. I used “medical Grey Goose” to survive some of it, which reflected in some of my tweets around that time-

“Hey she’s not only bipolar, unstable and hyper horny, she’s also drunk! Here are her boobs as a thank you. Carry on.”

I’ve deleted the boob pics since then, but I even put it on my personal blog that “OMG I flashed my boobs on Twitter!” so it’s not a dirty little secret or anything. Personally, I’m way more shocked by violence or cruelty in the world, the naked human body is natural, kids.

I am a sexual person, so the sexual tweets are not 100% made up (some are clearly jokes, like I’m not throwing orgies and I don’t have a pimp, etc.) but that crazy period partially created the Twitter persona I have now, Miss B-licious.

She’s me, but she’s also a “hooker with a heart of gold” and an alter ego, my personal blog is the PG mom side of me and Miss B is mostly raunchy and a fun place to play with my dirty side.

We’ll see where it evolves, but I love being part of a community where you can be batshit crazy, curse a blue streak, and people well, don’t mind a bit. I was stunned I didn’t scare everyone away with my filthy tweets and meltdowns back then.

Since I have a five year old boy, I’m comforted to know that I can delete all of my Miss B tweets someday when he’s old enough to read them, if I want, and still keep the account.

Because I wouldn’t want to lose the kind of friends who stay in the foxhole with you while you crack jokes about your pussy, flash your boobs, fap and water your ladygarden with tears- sometimes of sadness, but mostly from laughter.

You can follow Heidi on Twitter at @GirltoMom

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